bpguy's Blog

I have been unable to dress up in women's clothes for quite a while now, and to be honest even though I get the urge I don't go through the hassle. However, I still have a craving to be with a man despite being a straight guy who still loves women. My wife has zero interest in sex due to medication and I have been on my own for years. Exploring my feminine side I realized that I would really like to enjoy a cock in my mouth as well as have sex with a man. At first I thought I could only do this while "impersonating" a woman, but that urge is nearly constant and all I think about is being with a man sexually. Men who chase crossdressers are generally not the best of men to engage in a relationshiip with which is one reason I have had a horrible time working things out to hook up with a guy. I don't want it just to be a one time thing unless we both agree or it's too creepy but I also want to be able to engage in sexual activity while not dressed as a woman. For most men I've talked to this is not an option which is confusing.

I think at this point I just need a clean guy that will take friends with benefits on the down low, but I have always felt that I need a boyfriend to satisfy my urge of my feminine side. I suppose from my vantage point any man that desires to be with me will have me to himself (other than my wife who has no sexual interest) and it's just fair for him to do what he needs to do but I just really need the experience of that physical encounter with a man to get my mind straight.

I have always loved women and continue to check them out as much as possible without being insensitive or rude. But, since childhood I found I had a craving to try on women's clothes. Growing up with this desire I felt that there was something wrong with me and I hid it from everyone. In my early 20's a girlfriend made me try something on as a joke, but I ended up telling her I enjoyed wearing it. This didn't develop into anything but she didn't see anything harmful about it and when she left me a few years later I kept some of her clothes although not too long after I threw them all away.

Years later that urge popped up again and again. I would buy pantyhose or other garments and then would throw them away thinking something was wrong with doing this. After going through these feelings for almost 30 years I decided I would push the envelope with dressing as a woman. This wouldn't be easy as I was now married and she has an eye for detail and if her clothes are left in the wrong spot she would surely notice. I began to shave my legs more and more over time (starting out only in winter when my legs were never exposed) and now shave them quite often in addition to my arms (my pubic area has been shaved fairly consistently my whole adult life). I went from trying on her things to finally buying dresses, shoes, pantyhose, and finally a wig and makeup.

The first time I stared at myself in the mirror as a woman I was extremely happy and felt a bit of fulfillment. I continued to push the envelope by going out for short drives and walking through parking lots as places were closing and even to an ATM while traffic was passing. I found this so erotic yet personally fulfilling at the same time. I had always found other trans men attractive and found myself looking more and more at nude trans men and fantasizing about being with one. I have also been bothered by an incident when I was a late teen where my best friend and I went swimming in Lake Erie and he exposed himself to me somewhat obviously on purpose. I wanted badly to do the same or make a move since I was very turned on but never did. I often wondered why I felt what I did then as I have never had feelings for him other than friendship. I didn't find him "attractive" or in a sexual way other than when we were touching and pushing and when I saw him naked.

As I began to expose myself to men on various places on the Internet I found this as a huge turn on. My alter ego was seemingly not going to be complete until she was able to have an affair with a man. Planning to hook up with a guy being fully dressed as a woman is a logistical nightmare especially when you are married and have neighbors very close to you. As many men were vying for my sexual attention it dawned on me that it wouldn't matter if I were dressed as a woman or not I really wanted to be with a man sexually, but not emotionally. I began to wonder, does this make me gay? In a world that is talking about this topic more than ever there are many resources I used to try and figure out what was going on with my body. I realized that no matter what society thinks you do not have to be identified by strict standards based on who you have sex with. While I have nothing against gays I realize that I didn't want to "change" who I am if I decided to have sex with men. I realized that I could still be "straight" as I have an emotional and physical attraction to women but only a physical attraction to men. Could this change? Might I fall in love with a man? I suppose it's possible, but as long as I enjoy being with women I can feel confident that I am bi-sexual and not "gay" as a negative stereotype that is thrown around by many websites if you suddenly have sex with a man. Again, absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, but I am only interested in the physical aspect and I only fear being defined or labeled something that I do not feel I am.

I've been heterosexual my whole life, but I once had an encounter with a friend which turned me on very much. He and I were at a local beach in windy weather back in high school. We were both tired from fighting the waves all day when suddenly he lost his shorts. I found myself unable to turn away as I stared at his body, though he was obviously shriveled. We went back to my car later and he pulled his shorts off to put his other clothes on. I was very turned on by this and we had talked about girls, sex, masturbation, and even about our bodies but him exposing himself to me was new. I had wanted to pull mine off as well to see what he would do, but I chickened out and regretted it ever since.

I have never been physically attracted to men, but during porn I will admire a good looking man. I have also been dealing with cross dressing off and on my whole life. A couple of years ago I decided to give in to the desire and began dressing in full makeup, wig, clothes, etc. while at home. It is part of wanting to feel like a woman, but it is also deeply sexual to me as well. I have been brave enough to go out a couple of times yet will not go into a store or talk to anyone. While going to a strip mall once I was aimlessly walking the parking lot when I noticed a man staring at me. This was a HUGE turn on and I had noticed that I was really into shemale porn. I really began to get into gay porn and flirting with men online. Since then I have really enjoyed anal toys and have a deep desire to give a blow job and to experience anal sex on both ends. It has gone from a cross dressing fantasy to honestly wanting to fulfill a bi-sexual fantasy. I have met a lot of men online that say they want to share this experience, but so far no one has been willing to go all the way. Still waiting...